Why It’s Normal to Feel Lonely as a Manager

This comes up a lot in my coaching work and usually quietly! As if it’s something to be embarrassed or ashamed about. Someone will be talking about their team, or a difficult decision, or a conversation that didn’t hit the mark. Then there’s a pause, and they’ll say something like:

‘I didn’t expect it to feel this lonely’ or ‘I feel totally out of my depth’.

They usually say it as if they’ve failed some unspoken test of leadership, and they haven’t. Feeling lonely as a manager is not unusual. In fact, I’d be more concerned if you never felt it. I’ve managed hundreds of people over the last 25+ years, and still today, I have moments where I question myself or find moments lonely and overwhelming. It’s totally natural and understandable.

The biggest shift isn’t the workload or the responsibility, but the relationships. As the manager, you’re still part of the group, but you’re no longer part of the group in the same way.

A year ago, I arranged a team bonding dinner, and we all went to the Whisky Museum in Tel Aviv.I even posted about it on LinkedIn. We’re all sitting there, and people are talking about life outside of the office. At one point, I found myself sitting back observing what was happening, and it fascinated me. I quickly realised that they didn’t know so much about each other, so many stories, so many aspects to eachother’s lives that I was aware of as the Manager. It reinforced the point that most team members are caught up in their own world and don’t see what managers are able to see.

Having that higher-level viewpoint shouldn’t make you distant or guarded. It makes you responsible. However, responsibility has a side effect: separation.

And most organisations don’t acknowledge that, let alone help people navigate it.

There’s an unspoken belief that once you step into leadership, you should be able to handle it.
You’re meant to be confident.
Decisive.
Steady.

Or, hit reply as I'd love to hear from you and help with any challenges that you have.